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Ausalt. Olin öösel habras, habras… Ei leidnud uinudes asu. Lasin eneses olevatel tunnetel end näidata, neil voolata. Leidsin ühe väikese tüdruku, kes sammus üksinda kaugele, kaugele… Ma ei teadnud, mida talle pakkuda, kuidas teda armastada lohutada. Tahtsin küsida psühholoogidelt nõu ja enda peas neile küsimust esitades kõlas minus endas juba vastus. Tüdruku tunded on adekvaatsed, tema olemine on adekvaatne. Minu tunded on tegelikkusele vastavad. Need asjad on ja neid ei pea üle värvima, see on nende tõde. Tumerohelise lehestiku ja musta varrega valge krookoseline lill tärkas. Lasin kõigel juba küsimusteta olla…

Mu silme ette tulid ükshaaval kõik mu teismeea maalid ja joonistused; need pildid, mis teisi pea alati ehmatavad ja hirmutavad. Mul on olnud teiste ehmatusele raske vastata, sest mul on raske seda mõista; ka praegu, ausalt. Selle pärast, et ma sain nendest töödest nii palju tuge ja nii ka täna öösel. Nende ilmumisega valgus soojus mu ihusse, pehmus ja õrnus südamesse. Kui palju tuge! Ausalt.

Kuulasin hiljaaegu loengut kurjuse olemasolemise seletusest Islamis, kus muuhulgas toodi välja see, et Martin Luther King sa teha kõike seda, mida ta tegi tänu sellele, et ta oli kurjuse illusiooni läbi näinud. Vaid siis ei karda enam kannatust ja hukkamise võimalikkust. Nii, nagu märtrid läbi ajaloo on saanud vankumatult vastu seista kõikidele piinamistele ja hukkamise tõenäosusele – nad nägid läbi kannatuse ebatõelisuse.

Enda teismeea töid olen alati kõige kõrgemalt hinnanud ja need pole müügis. Kinkisin kaks maali inimestele, keda ses asjas usaldan. Mõlemad olid/on muuseas noorsootöötajad, mistõttu nad mõistavad nende energiat. Ka nemad ei karda noori inimesi, nende energiat ja nende valu. Seega tean, et need maalid on heades kätes, sest kõik koju kapi ja diivani taha talletama ei mahu – pole ka mõtet maalidel peidus olla – mitte selleks pole nad mõeldud.

Minu tollastel töödel olevad olendid nägid läbi valu ja kannatuse illusoorsuse. Kes avab oma meeled, näeb ka mida nad jutustavad. Näeb ja ei karda enam. Neis on vabadus – nad olid mu pääsetee ja mu toetus, mil midagi muud ei olnud. Need olendid taipavad eksistentsiaalse ängi sügavusi, selle elu surma poole olemist, selle maailma pidetust ja siin esinevat halba ilma, et see neid tapaks. Olen siiani elus. Siin on õnnelikkuse taipamine. Õnn ei seisne asjade heas käekäigus – õnn on läbinägemine. Ausalt!

NB! Ma küll ei müü neid kunstitöid, kuid kes samuti nende lugu näeb ja endale soovib, siis küll aga saan teha kvaliteetsed koopiad, võib-olla isegi suurendada.

 

 

Honestly. I was fragile, so fragile at night… Did not find peace to sleep. I let my feelings show themselves, let them flow. I found a little girl who walked far, far away alone… I didn’t know what to offer her, how to comfort her. I wanted to ask psychologists for advice, and when I asked them a question in my head, I already had the answer. The girl’s feelings are adequate, her being is adequate. My feelings are an answer to the real. These things are and these do not need to be repainted, that is their truth. A white crocus flower with dark green foliage and a black stem sprouted. I already let everything be without questions…

All the paintings and drawings of my teens came into my sight one by one; those images that almost always frighten others. I have had a hard time responding to the fright of others because I have had a hard time understanding it; even now, honestly. Because I got so much support from these artworks and so also tonight. As they appeared, warmness filled my body, softness and tenderness filled my heart. How much support! Honestly.

I recently listened a lecture about the Islamic explanation of the existence of evil, where, among other things, it was pointed out that Martin Luther King was able to do everything he did because he had seen through the illusion of evil. Only then will there be no fear of suffering and the possibility of execution. Just as martyrs throughout history have steadfastly resisted all torture and the likelihood of execution – they saw through the unreality of suffering.

I have always valued my teenage works the most and they are not for sale. I gave as presents two paintings to people I trust. By the way, both were / are youth workers, so they understand the energy of the artworks. They, too, are not afraid of young people, their energy and their pain. So I know that these paintings are in good hands, because not everything can be stored at home behind a closet and a sofa – there is no point in being hidden in the paintings – they are not meant for that.

The creatures in my artworks of this time saw the illusory of pain and suffering. Whoever opens their minds also sees what they are saying. Sees and is not afraid anymore. They have freedom – they were my way out and my support when there was nothing else. These beings realize the depths of existential anxiety, being on the verge of death of this life, the discontinuity of this world, and the evil that occurs without killing them. I’m still alive. Here is the realization of happiness. Happiness is not about welfare of the things – happiness is about seeing through. Honestly!

NB! I don’t sell these works of art, but who also sees and wants their story, I can make high-quality copies, maybe even enlarge them.